I BELIEVE WE CAN FLY!

It’s all in the attitude!  So I’ve been told.  While waiting for the phone to ring, for over a month, I am sure my “attitude” has been less than tolerable, on so many levels.  When did I stop living in the moment?  When did I think about giving up?  After the moment with Dr. “F” that beat me up.  Apparently it was a test.  Apparently my “attitude” got me where I am today.  Apparently I won, on all levels, with every single consult.  My surgeon called.  She had just come back from Italy, and she fit me in to schedule right away.   She confirmed, I am still on admissions list, at the same hospital, where all of my amputation records are. 

After a lengthy discussion with my surgeon, she explained to us that all the doctors who examined and evaluated me all had the same recommendation for my amputation surgery.  We are out of viable options, only one left is an amputation.  That said, because my first amputation was extremely difficult, needing revision as we all know, she had concerns about the next surgery.  She cannot seem to wrap her head around doing it herself, so her senior partner will be doing the actual cutting. She is too emotional to be the “one” to do it.  She will follow me after as always, and she said she will be there cheering when I walk in with my new prosthetics, but she loves me, and it is not now that she is worried about, it is thirty years from now.  Gotta love a lady who thinks my survival will be thirty years from now!  This was a “stomach wrenching” decision for her.  We talked, and talked.  Bottom line is that this amputation needs to be done, and after all the consultations, the chief of orthopedic oncology, and orthopedic surgery at the hospital, her “team-mate, clinic partner” has stepped in to do the surgery himself.  Dr. I, an awesome well known surgeon in ortho-oncology at my hospital and St. Justine’s hospital where our niece, Hailey is being treated will be performing the actual surgery.  Because I will be at the same hospital, no more tests needed.  Just the hurry up and wait game. 

Yesterday was a busy day to say the least, and after having the “amputation” news behind us, realizing we were in the same “stand by and wait for the call from admissions mode” we changed our mindset and  by evening we were at the Bell Center to  see Il Divo, live, a gift we had received last fall.  Tickets we were sure we would have to give away, thinking I’d have had the surgery by now!  One of the stand out moments of the evening was not even the star attraction, but was meeting an “online” friend for the first time in person, Patrick Beaudry.  My daughter, Melanie, knew Patrick.  I had only the pleasure of chatting with him via computer.  Patrick Beaudry is the awesome photographer who did Melanie’s first photos.  He is also an event photographer for Evenko – one of the top entertainment promoters in the country.  It was a magical moment for me to be able to meet him! We exchanged text messages, trying to figure out where we each were.  After texting back and forth while he was waiting in the media center,  (him) “I’m wearing a grey and white striped shirt”,  (Me) “I’m wearing a silver leg”! Now all this “excitement” was preceded just minutes before by a performance by Nikki Yanofsky performing her signature song “I Believe” (Lyrics below) which had brought me to tears.  It was my ringtone on my phone since Vancouver, Canada hosted the winter Olympics.  I lost it as soon as Nikki started singing, I was sobbing basket case, all the pent up anxiety and fragile emotions came flooding out.  André just hugged me, knowing it was a bittersweet moment. I did not know she was the opening act, so I was ecstatic!  She started singing,

“There comes a moment when my heart must stand alone, On this lonely path I've chosen, Like a house that's not a home, Sometimes when I feel I've had enough,  And I feel like giving up, You willed me to be all I can be, Now nothing can stop me!  I believe in the power that comes, from a world brought together as one.......I believe together we'll fly, I believe in the power of you and I”

Right after Nikki was a short break for the crew to set up  I went back to the music media gates and found Patrick.  I gave him a big hug, kinda hard with all the camera equipment!!  I’m not even sure I remembered to thank him for all his support this past year.  His photograpy is in my humble opinion, the best I’ve seen – ever!  So enjoy his site, and if you need family photos done, pets, he can do it all!  Check him out here! 

 http://www.snapephoto.com/

My turn for my amputation surgery will come up one day.  The sad part is *if* I am being delayed now, it is because another child has come in to the ortho clinic, and they will diagnose his/her  bone cancer and explain to his/her loved one that they needs immediate surgery to remove the cancer the best they can.  Now that is a real reality check.  I remember being on the OR list for my cancer surgery - 36hrs pre-op, no food or water, just I.V. fluids and ice chips, and a family waiting.  We remember that like it was yesterday.  Why did I wait 36hrs in 2006? Well they had my bleeding under control and the an organ would come into the hospital needing immediate transplantation to save another life.  Reality check.   I was somewhat jerked around lately, with a lot of "what if's".  I was upset.  But I am not alone.  I have you, “Team Nanny” to keep me in a safe place until *my* day arrives.   Somewhere out there today another family just got their cancer diagnosis and their world is falling apart.  Or worse, we lost another loved one somewhere.  Thank you, to all of you, for holding me up along this journey.  It is not an easy one and your friendship has meant more to me than I can even put into words.  With you by my side, I believe we can fly!!  Enjoy the song, Enjoy the lyrics.  and BELIEVE  because as Nikki sings loud and strong,

“And in my heart, there'll be no doubt
The arms of the world will come reaching out
And embrace me to be all I can be
Now nothing can stop me
I believe in the power that comes
From a world brought together as one
I believe together we'll fly
I believe in the power of you and I”

Katherine Kilcullen has shared a video with you on YouTube: Nikki Yanofsky - I Believe Music video by Nikki Yanofsky performing I Believe. (C) 2010 Decca Label Group

I BELIEVE LYRICS:

There comes a moment when my heart must stand alone
On this lonely path I've chosen
Like a house that's not a home
Sometimes when I feel I've had enough
And I feel like giving up
You willed me to be all I can be
Now nothing can stop me

I believe in the power that comes
From a world brought together as one
I believe together we'll fly
I believe in the power of you and I

This is the moment we have dreamed of all our lives
We'll be the change we wish from others
We'll stand tall for what is right
And in my heart, there'll be no doubt
The arms of the world will come reaching out
And embrace me to be all I can be
Now nothing can stop me

I believe in the power that comes
From a world brought together as one
I believe together we'll fly
I believe in the power of you and I

I believe the time is right now
Stand tall and make the world proud
I believe together we'll fly
I believe in the power of you and I
I believe in the power of you and I

I believe, I believe, I believe in...
I believe, I believe in...
I believe, I believe, I believe in...
I believe, I believe in you
I believe, I believe, I believe in...
I believe, I believe in you
I believe, I believe, I believe in you

I believe together we'll fly
I believe in the power of you and I

I believe the time is right now
Stand tall and make the world proud
I believe together we'll fly
I believe in the power...

I believe in the power that comes
From a world brought together as one (of you and I)
I believe together we'll fly
I believe in the power of you and I (I will)

I believe the time is right now
Stand tall and make the world proud
I believe together we'll fly (together we'll fly)
I believe in the power of you and I (I believe in the power of you and I)

My Favorite Season is Here!

I love spring and summer! Especially as our gardens come back to life, and my world becomes “forest green” once again.  This evening after a day of gardening, Cassidy and I took Patience for a walk and we noticed the sweet smell of lilacs everywhere we went.  

This white lilac is our front yard.

Our neighborhood had them everywhere.  We both had so much fun looking at our neighbors yards seeing all the pretty flower baskets  My own yard has three different varieties and waking up to the sounds of the birds busy feeding their young, and the fragrance of the lilacs is pure joy.  I love as the perennials in our garden come alive once again decorating our yard with beautiful colors and textures.  

before May 2012

Today I managed to get one garden turned over, weeded, and mulched.  I love getting down and dirty! 

after May 2012

  

This year we added another level to the front deck and a new mailbox.  I loved creating it and the charm that it adds to the front yard.  

The collages I created are made of everything that we love about this home.  The people who we call “family”, the flowers that bring us so much joy that come back every year, and of course it would not be artistic if it did not have André’s paintings!  

                              

I still have to add some paw prints, but that will come in time.  I need help from the resident artist with that task! 

Tomorrow is a “Team Nanny” day! The children have no school.  I have no idea what we will be doing yet, but I do know that there will be smiles, giggles, love and laughter, music and hugs, hugs, hugs!!  Throw in a few chocolate chip cookies and some “Nanny Tai’s” and it is a recipe for guaranteed happiness.  Yes.  I love this time of the year!   I waited all winter for this.  I am not going to waste a minute of it!  Only eight more gardens to do! 

I May Be a Patient, BUT I am NOT PATIENT!

I May Be a Patient, BUT I am NOT PATIENT!

This month has been a real rollercoaster of emotions for us.  Now we should be used to that by now, André and I.  It is just our journey, our life.  We have been all over the map with my health, and just life “stuff”.  But it just seems for every step forward, we are taking two back.

In March we had cleared all the hurdles to just get my health strong enough to have the consult with the orthopedic surgeon.  Dr. “Surgeon”, is a wonderful young mother, world renowned orthopedic oncologist, and very popular with her colleagues here in Montreal.  She had discussed “options” with us, and it seemed the only way to get me out of this life of incurable pain, was to amputate my other leg.  I am taking a lot of pain medication, but the pain is still stronger.  To take the dosage I would need to be able to be comfortable brings side effects of nausea, itching, grogginess, and impairs my already strained cognitive function.   I want a life where I do not hurt 24/7.  I want a life without the continued narcotics, and the damage that they will do to my other organs.  I want a life period.   Damn, I have been a patient for over 40 years.  I know my body better than anyone, and I was up to listening to all the possible options.  Amputation was the agreed upon decision.  So we followed Dr. S’s instructions, and we had the MRI done, (I say “we” because André has been to every single one of these appointments with me).  We had the x-rays done, we had the psychiatry appointment done, and had the go ahead from the psychiatry department.  Then came pre-op, and after a full day of pre-admissions I was officially on the admission waiting list and we were good to go.  We were just waiting for the “call” to come in.   Just give us a DATE!

So what do I know for sure?  I know that Dr. Surgeon has never called ME.  I know that Dr. B’s office should be calling me to go in and meet him.  The fax was written “URGENT”, but hey my “URGENT” and theirs may not have the same definition.

I I am a patient, yes.  The reality is, I am done, I am fed up,  I have no PATIENCE!

RING PHONE RING!  

LESSONS OF PAIN

Lessons of Pain

Why?

 I have learned a great deal from you

. Why do you linger?

 Why?

 I have learned so much To slow down, love, meditate, accept people without judging,, cherish and embrace each moment, appreciate what I have while I have it, take one day at a time, take nothing for granted.

 That I want to help others, love others.  

That I am lovable.  

That expectations lead to disappointment, others do care and those who seem 

not to care really do, 

All addictions are destructive. 

That I am a musician. Music heals. 

So does touch and love. That I am a healer.  I am good, not bad, not evil. 

Everyone is essentially good. 

That I can love and be loved.  

Dreams can come true.

 That instincts are always truthful emotions lie and the rational mind does not always know. 

That I am at home with my spiritualism.  And was in a faraway land until you showed me home. 

I had strayed from my true self

. Oh pain, why do I still hurt? 

Yes, I have decided to make friends with you since you were so stubborn and refused to LEAVE.. 

Now, I have learned from your teachings... 

Does this mean  you will continue to linger? 

Isn't it time that I learn to practice your lessons without you always hovering over me reminding me of them? 

Don't you think it is time to let go? 

Are you willing to make me try? 

To let me walk on my own again? 

To walk on my own with a gait that is much stronger and confident because of YOU! 

Even with parts that are not made of human "matter". I MATTER!

Oh Pain, 

Please 

You must understand It is time to let me try. 

 www.forestgreen.ca/hope.html 
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